


no better than strangers

by winterants



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Inspired by Fanart, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Ouch, Post-Time Skip, Songfic, YOU KNOW WHICH, how to tag im sorry, no beta we wing this, well honestly is it one sided or not idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterants/pseuds/winterants
Summary: If I had to give up everything in the world to set for you again, I would.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 74
Kudos: 470





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [this artwork](https://twitter.com/neroinkboi/status/1257015352036229120) has ruined my soul for 2 days that I was determined to write something based on it despite being surrounded by assignments. 
> 
> i have no regrets at all. 
> 
> title is inspired by this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4OUt56aCiA)
> 
> my grammar is chaotic but then again what is grammar ????

Akaashi still remembered the day that Bokuto graduated from Fukurodani as if it had just happened yesterday.

The cherry blossoms danced around both of them as Akaashi remained the last person to see their former captain off. It was a bittersweet farewell for the current third-year. He knows that Bokuto can only soar up higher towards the skies after Fukurodani, but it hurts knowing that he wouldn’t be able to play with him anymore.

“I’ll text you often!! I promise!! And I’ll try to come to visit you guys during your practices when I have the time!!!” Bokuto said with that infectious hyper tone of his.

“You do know that they won’t let unauthorized people enter the school grounds that easily, right?” Akaashi couldn’t deny the fact that he is going to miss hearing that obnoxious loud voice in their gym soon.

“But they won’t forget me that easily, right? After all, it’s me!!!” The smile on Akaashi’s face could barely be seen, but Bokuto knows that the latter was amused by his antiques.

“I’m sure they won’t. We’ll be waiting at the gym if you manage to dodge the guards well.”

A cherry blossom petal fell on top of Bokuto as he laughed full-heartedly at Akaashi’s sentence. Akaashi didn’t know if it was the graduation glow or the season, but the sight of that was just too beautiful for words.

And he wouldn’t change that smile for anything in the world.

“Well then,” Akaashi turned around back towards the school gate. “I have some things to attend to about the club now. I’ll see you around.” They waved farewell for the last time as both of them walked separate ways.

Akaashi is thankful that he has been good at keeping a stoic expression because his heart was breaking when the realization had finally sunk in.

————————————————————

The first few years after was as if they never left each other’s sides. Back when Akaashi was still studying, Bokuto continued to send messages endlessly and Akaashi would reply to each and every one of them without fail. His friends would ask if he was texting his girlfriend, to which he would politely deny every single time.

“The way you guys always call and text each other, I would say you’re having a long-distance relationship with this said senior of yours.” His close friend in college pointed out one day.

“Well, we can only meet when he’s free from any training camps or competition, so in a way, I guess it is like a long-distance relationship.” Akaashi could count how many times had they met in the past year. With him juggling his assignments and Bokuto’s chaotic schedules, the number of times they could meet each other was far less than the former setter expected.

“Come on, Akaashi. You know better what I mean. It’s like both of you are _dating_.”

The words haunted Akaashi for the whole day. It made him wonder about the idea of dating his loud senior. His whole high school life had revolved mostly around Fukurodani’s former ace, from the second he decided to enter Fukurodani until the day he had lead the said powerhouse to the Nationals once again as the captain. He recalled how most of his time outside of classes was spend with Bokuto and volleyball.

If people saw them from afar, it seemed like they were already dating since back then.

Akaashi smiled at the thought. The idea of dating Bokuto wasn’t bad at all. Maybe he’ll tell his feelings towards Bokuto later when they can meet.

————————————————————

Something felt odd. Bokuto didn’t call today. Akaashi kept on checking his phone throughout his journey back home from work. No new notifications from Bokuto at all. This is … weird. He tried to shrug it off as Bokuto probably getting his phone confiscated because he’s busy at another training camp, although even if that happens, Bokuto would just find a public phone or at least send a few emails in advance to constantly update him about his life.

This emptiness feels strange for him. It was the first time his senior didn’t message since they parted ways, and Akaashi isn’t liking this at all. That night Akaashi couldn’t focus on any work at all as he kept on checking his phone every 5 minutes.

It was best to say that it wasn’t a productive night for him. At all.

Thankfully, Bokuto messaged him the next day. Apologizing for not messaging as he was busy ever since he had joined the Black Jackals. Akaashi was surprised when Bokuto mentioned a few familiar names were also in the same team as his- especially hearing about the small middle blocker from Karasuno.

Being Akaashi, he shrugged it off saying he understood, being in a Division 1 League was no playing matter- his mind suddenly remembering their match against Mujinazaka, where Bokuto had finally grown and shone throughout the match. Regrets still lingered when the memories popped up. They exchanged greetings and talked for hours- which set Akaashi in ease, knowing that everything is still the same.

Or so he thought.

The frequency of Bokuto’s calls gradually grew less, with the duration of their calls only lasting up to 30 minutes at most. Akaashi felt bad to admit this, but in a way, he was quite glad. His work as an editor of a shonen manga had grown in the years that he wouldn’t find the time to even look at his personal messages among forcing the artists to finish their chapter by their datelines and persuading other artists to join his office.

But Akaashi does make time to watch all of Black Jackals matches live. On the day when there is a live match of the said team, Akaashi would push his limits and make sure he has finished everything in advance so that he wouldn’t need to bring his work home. All his attention was focused on player #12.

It felt like he was back in middle school when he first watched a match of Bokuto’s on television. The said man had never failed to steal Akaashi’s breath every time.

————————————————————

The last time he had met anyone from Fukurodani was in 2014 when Akaashi had just entered college. Even that, the person he met was Bokuto, who somehow had managed to escape from his practice for a while so he can see Akaashi off before he entered the entrance ceremony. So for him to encounter Konoha in the middle of a train station four years later was definitely something very unexpected for him.

Konoha remained pretty much the same, although Akaashi couldn’t remember whether his current career is related to volleyball or not. Both of them head out for a quick lunch together as they updated each other about their current careers.

“So… Do you still talk with Bokuto as often as you used to?” Konoha dropped the bomb, causing Akaashi to be slightly surprised. He covered the shock well as he replied in his usual polite tone. “Alas, we’re both busy, so we only message each other nowadays.”

“That’s rough. Well, I was hoping I could get any news from him with the Jackals. I mean, being in the same team as that little Karasuno shrimp and one of the Miya twins? That’s one chaotic group, I tell you.”

“A change of atmosphere is always nice once in a while. At least we won’t have to worry who would be babying him now.” They both laugh at the memory of having to tend to Bokuto’s moody sessions back in the days. The atmosphere remained light as they shared about their current interests and thoughts, once in a while returning to talk about their ace as they reminisce the old Fukurodani days.

“I heard they have a match tonight. Wanna stay over and watch? I miss having someone to talk about volleyball, for once.” Akaashi accepted the invitation, noting that he had to go back home to take his necessities first.

Akaashi spent the night at Konoha’s as they watched the match together. The start of the match becoming an uproar when news of one of the former top 3 aces in Japan had recently join the Black Jackals.

Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Most of the time they kept on pointing out had Bokuto had definitely grown much more from his high school days while praising how the team is in great form with the current lineup. Akaashi, on the other hand, couldn’t get his eyes off Bokuto as he watched how he spiked the ball through their opponents’ defense.

Sakusa wasn’t the setter of the team, but Akaashi didn’t know why seeing the way Sakusa had set for Bokuto made him had a bitter feeling appear in his heart. He didn’t feel like this when their official setter did it, so why the sudden emotion?

Of course, he couldn’t express that loudly to Konoha (or anyone, actually.) so he kept the feelings to himself.

“That Sakusa kid is really good. I can’t believe Bokuto used to hate his guts back in high school. Well, maybe it's because we were rivals back in the days, I guess. Hey, Akaashi! Don’t you miss tossing for Bokuto?” The question caught him off-guard once more, his face slightly softened as he watches Bokuto scored another point. 

“If you want me to answer sincerely,” Akaashi replied, eyes glued to the television, the pain in his heart growing slowly at the sight when Bokuto and Sakusa smiled at each other upon earning a point from the toss Sakusa had done. “I do. And if I had the chance to toss for him again in exchange for everything I had in the world, then I would do it without no second thoughts.”

————————————————————

The door slammed open as the two figures aggressively entered the house. The electric atmosphere was tense as both of them stared at each other with intense eyes.

“You know, out of all the people in Jackals, I never thought you would be the first person I make out with. Especially considering your hygienic tendencies.”  
  
“Don’t you dare ruin the mood, Koutaro or I swear to god-“ Sakusa’s sentence was cut off when Bokuto trapped him against the wall. Sakusa’s hands flew to the other’s body, holding it tightly as their eyes locked into each other intensely. Bokuto dropped one hand off the wall, accidentally pressing into the telephone beside them.

Apparently there was a voice note in it, as Akaashi’s voice floated around the room.

“Ah, hello. It’s me, Akaashi. It’s been some time since we met or called but um… I saw your match today, and you were amazing as ever. I want to treat you out to a special meal and to catch up for old times' sake so let me know if you’re free, Bokuto-san.”

Sakusa’s eyebrows raised at the voice note. “Who’s that?”

“It’s Akaashi. You know, the setter from Fukurodani.”

“You guys still message each other? Wow, the loving devotion he has for you even after all this time.” Bokuto rolled his eyes at the mocking tone in Sakusa’s voice.

“I wouldn’t say we’re still messaging… You know how busy it’s been with the new season, right?. I don’t know why he still messages me often. I mean, don’t editors have endless jobs. Besides-“ He was cut off when Sakusa pressed his lips towards Bokuto.

“I don’t need to hear any reason.” He said when they break off their kiss once more.

“As I said, don’t you dare ruin the mood on me, Koutaro. We got all night to do this.”

————————————————————

His phone exploded from the constant messages from Konoha, Kuroo, and Kenma. Not that he was expecting it from Bokuto anymore. After his stay with Konoha where he had dropped a voice note to Bokuto that he didn’t reply to at all, he started to doubt if the other would want to message him again. It wasn’t the first time the volleyball player had done that anyway. Akaashi waited for his reply for the whole week, giving up once he saw that Jackals had another upcoming match.

His workload helped in distracting him from the phone too, as Akaashi is slowly climbing up in his steps as an editor. Although he couldn’t deny that the slight pain in his heart would always return to him as he went to bed.

Anyway, back to the present, all three of them talking about the same thing. The little shrimp from Karasuno is returning from the other side of the world. Akaashi had known that the little guy went to Brazil for some time from Kenma. So hearing he will make his return on the volleyball court with a match against his former teammate’s team is something worth the gossip of the decade.

Kenma had got him tickets to watch the match live, thus Akaashi hustled to finish all his work for the week before the day of the match. No longer a rookie in the editor field proved to be an advantage at this time as he managed to clear everything off in time. So Akaashi went to the match with a fluttering heart, excited to meet old friends and to see Bokuto in action right in front of his eyes.

Akaashi sat between Konoha and Kuroo, Kenma saying that he would watch the match from his house. All three of them were eager to see the long-awaited match, as they waved towards their old friends from Karasuno who had come to support their two former teammates.

“Who do you think will win, Akaashi?”

“Come on, Kuroo! Obviously he will say the Jackals have a better chance. He’s biased since there’s his beloved Bokuto-san!” Konoha answered in advance, earning a dismayed look from Akaashi in return. “I can’t say, because there is Ushijima on the other team too, so that’s something we should consider.” He replied politely, eyes set on the person he had been waiting for.

If only Akaashi knew that the second the match started, his heart would be torn to pieces, he would have told Kenma to go and watch it live instead.

Being someone who used to be in the same team as Bokuto six years ago, the realization pangs him that the Bokuto in front of him was not the same Bokuto they had to tend to. No longer did the old ace who was babied by his team existed in front of their eyes, now standing in front of them was a professional volleyball player determined to bring a point to the team.

It was like Bokuto had reshaped himself in the span of time of him being away from Akaashi.

And if that wasn’t enough to add the pain in his heart, the feelings he felt when he saw when Sakusa had tossed to Bokuto had just become worse.

The thing is, live matches on television will only show the match from afar, and they won’t show the reactions of the players once they earned a point.

So to see Sakusa and Bokuto’s reaction after Bokuto did a spike had hurt him much more than he thought it would. The way their eyes linger on each other a bit too long than usual, their body language- It reminded him of how close both of them were back in high school, excluding the light bickering they would do often. It was ironic enough that Bokuto used to taunt Sakusa during tournaments but to see them now being as close as how Akaashi and Bokuto used to be.

Akaashi felt like he was watching a new person unfold in front of him today.

That wasn’t the Bokuto-san that Akaashi knew, despite his happy agenda still going on until today. He was proud that his former captain had grown to become an amazing professional player, yet why does his heart ache upon realizing that the old Bokuto he knew is finally gone?

The editor hid his pain in his usual stoic expression, giving comments once in a while so that his friends would not realize his change of mood, not like they could detect it even if they wanted to.

The match ended, and as Akaashi bid farewell to his friends, hand holding a plastic filled with Miya’s onigiri, he walked towards the station with his other hand holding his phone.

He had been reluctant on doing this, he even asked his colleagues about their opinions on this. But today’s match proved that this would be the best for both of them.

And Akaashi dialed Bokuto’s number, waiting for it to go to voice note as usual.

“Hi, Bokuto-san. It’s me, Akaashi. I’m sure you’re getting tired of receiving the same voice note every time you finish a match but today you were amazing too, as always. It’s funny how you used to want me to praise you when you did well but I would reject you. Now I’m the one sending you praises willingly.”

He stopped to look at the sky, the white clouds and blue painting the view as beautiful as ever, and giving him the calm he needed to continue.

“Anyway, today’s voice note is a bit different. I know you won’t reply even if I want to treat you to dinner. Maybe you’re busy eating with your teammates. We used to do that together too. I came to watch today’s match live. Maybe you wouldn’t notice me, I mean, who would when the adrenaline of being in a match is running through you?”

He was doing this on purpose. He had to do it now. It’s now or never.

“Okay, that’s enough of a prologue. But I guess you won’t hear it until the end anyway. I’m sorry I’ve been bugging you until now. I’m going to change my number so that you won’t need to feel guilty if you don’t reply to me. Thank you for all the moments throughout our time together. I enjoyed all the time we spent together. I don’t regret any of it at all. If I had to give up everything in the world to set for you again, I would. But you deserve to be set by the best of the best. And sadly, I’m not the best of the best for you.” His voice cracked at the last part.

“I’ll always cheer you on your matches from now on too because-.” He took a deep breath as he said the last sentence.

“Because I’ll always love you. Even if by now, we’re no better than strangers. Thank you once again, and goodbye, Bokuto-san.”

Akaashi rode on the train as he sat near the end of the seat. Taking off his glasses to wipe away the tear that leaked through during his walk to the station, Akaashi finally set the last thing he needed to get his peace.

**Block Bokuto-san?** **Yes**

**Delete Bokuto-san’s contact?** **Yes**


	2. ghost of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bokuto hears the last voice note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy forking shirtballs. i actually cried at my own writing. also ive been working on this since 3am....... wow. 6 hours.
> 
> also i wrote this while looping to shiraishi mai's jyaane and i've been an ugly mess crying because feelings.

Bokuto is a loyal person. That was what most people would point out when you ask of a positive trait of his.

This is why on the day he graduated from Fukurodani, he was confident enough to make a promise to Akaashi that he will always call him no matter what. Alas, all it took was a slight exposure to the harsh reality for him to realize that some promises are easier said than done.

At the start of his journey of becoming a professional volleyball player, upholding his end of the promise was a piece of cake. He did, in fact, find the time to sneak into Fukurodani to surprise Akaashi and his juniors during their weekly practices. Akaashi thought that the former captain was joking when he said it the first time, thus Bokuto was satisfied to see the smile appearing on the current captain as he gave tips to his juniors about volleyball.

Akaashi eventually graduated and entered college. Coincidentally, Bokuto’s schedule was quite empty on the day of Akaashi’s entrance ceremony. So like what a supporting senior would do, he had abruptly came to meet his junior before he entered the hall, surprising the latter.

“Bokuto-san? You didn’t tell me you would come.”

“Wanted to surprise you.” He gave his widest smile towards the younger one. The weather that day was perfect, it wasn’t too cold, as spring had finally come to end the cold season. Akaashi wore his crisp suit perfectly, which was a very Akaashi thing to do.

Bokuto felt as if he was watching his own son grow up.

“Thank you for coming, Bokuto-san.” If Bokuto hadn’t been paying attention enough, he would have missed the slight blush appearing on the other’s cheeks. “I mean, you’re obviously busy with tryouts and training but-“ The younger one couldn’t finish his sentence as the other gave out his usual loud laugh. “It’s nothing, really!! I’m so proud of you, Akaashi! You know that right? Hey, when you graduate and I’ve become a pro player, later on, let’s meet up okay! Until then, let’s continue to call and message each other just like we promised.”

Oh if only Bokuto knew that he would go back on his own words years later on, he wouldn’t have reminded Akaashi of the promise that day.

————————————————————

The first time he had forgotten to call Akaashi was the day he started training camp under Black Jackals. He swore he hadn’t done it on purpose- it just so happened that day was one of those bad days in Bokuto’s life. Most of them had noticed that Bokuto was often on the phone at night, either calling or messaging someone. This had caught the attention of their coach, who then called Bokuto to meet him personally.

“I’m sure you’re not the only one in the team who has a lover, but I must point out that if you don’t set your focus and priorities right, I’m afraid you won’t even have the slightest chance to play for us.”

The words had left Bokuto speechless for a few seconds. “He's not a lover!! He's a dear friend of mine!! And it’s not like I’m using my phone during training!! I’m giving my 200% towards this!! You can’t do this to me!!” He can’t see why he was at fault here. It’s not like he’s disturbing anyone with his messages to Akaashi. He was just doing his end of their promise.

“True, but I don’t want whoever you’re contacting to be the reason you’re not at your full potential during our matches. Come on, I expect more of you as one of the country’s top aces in high school. Or do you actually not care about your image anymore?”

Their coach had definitely trained in mentally torturing the players, as his word hit Bokuto right at the center of his heart.

“It’s your call, Bokuto. I’m just saying things as the coach of the Jackals. I want us to have a smooth run during the next season, and I think we can still do well even if you’re not in the team. Think about it.”

Bokuto didn’t call Akaashi the night, reminding himself that he should message him immediately the day after. Akaashi shrugged it off, and things returned to as it should be. Of course, under the coach’s supervision, Bokuto had to keep the time of his calls as their calls grew less frequent and even shorter than the last time.

The former ace didn’t want to admit this, but the relief he felt when he didn’t have to call Akaashi as frequent as he used to was blissful. And what started from hours of exchanging stories on calls turned to super short messages sent during breaks.

The final nail in the coffin was definitely the arrival of Sakusa in Black Jackals.

————————————————————

Akaashi started leaving voice notes after their matches. The first time he received it was also the same day he and Sakusa had started dating. Amid their hot make-out session, Bokuto had accidentally pressed the voice mail of his phone as Akaashi’s voice danced through the house for a few seconds. They discussed it briefly that night, determined to not let anything ruin the night for them.

Sakusa did mention about Akaashi again the morning after.

“So, tell me more about Akaashi. Did you like him before at Fukurodani?”

The question definitely caught him off-guard. Did he see Akaashi like how he sees Sakusa? No. Akaashi is a junior of his who somehow always knew what to do in times of a crisis. Bokuto remembered going feral when he had to go against Sakusa back at the Inter-High tournaments. Did he enjoy his presence as much as he enjoys Sakusa’s presence? Not on par on Sakusa’s level, but still yes. Did he like him back when he was still in Fukurodani? Of course! Akaashi is Bokuto’s favorite junior, after all.

“I- I honestly have no idea how to answer that.” He confessed truthfully. With Akaashi, he felt at peace. He knew that if he had messed up back then, Akaashi would always come to save him. No matter if he was in his moody phases or if he’s just acting up, the setter was always beside him like he had his personal guardian angel.

Sakusa made Bokuto felt **_complete_**. The urge for Bokuto to push further in order to improve himself, Sakusa was the muse to his spirit. Despite being rivals back in high school, Bokuto had to admit that once they had the time to get to know each other, Sakusa felt like he completed the missing piece in Bokuto’s life.

  
“I’m sorry if that answer didn’t satisfy you.”

“It’s okay. He is a part of your past, after all.”

Those words sunk deep into Bokuto. Akaashi is a ghost from his past, no longer someone living in the current circle of his life.

————————————————————

“Hi, Bokuto-san. It’s me, Akaashi. I’m sure you’re getting tired of receiving the same voice note every time you finish a match but today you were amazing too, as always. It’s funny how you used to want me to praise you when you did well but I would reject you. Now I’m the one sending you praises willingly.”

Today’s voice note started off differently, Bokuto realized when he had played it. Sakusa was out to get some delivery food to celebrate the outcome of their match today against Ushijima’s team. He rested on the couch, listening to the calm voice talking as if they were having a real conversation with each other right now. A smile lifted from his face as Akaashi mentioned one of their memories together. True, if this was 6 years ago, Bokuto would have been proud because he was able to draw a word of praise from his old setter.

 _Old setter._

“Anyway, today’s voice note is a bit different. I know you won’t reply even if I want to treat you to dinner. Maybe you’re busy eating with your teammates. We used to do that together too. I came to watch today’s match live. Maybe you wouldn’t notice me, I mean, who would when the adrenaline of being in a match is running through you?”

Akaashi came? He wouldn’t be surprised, considering a lot of their friends actually came to see the historic match. Karasuno’s famous former duo split into two different teams. It was a match that was worth to be written down in history. Bokuto couldn’t push away the guilty feeling when the young one mentioned about Fukurodani’s tradition of eating together after they ended their matches for the day.

_Old team._

“Okay, that’s enough of a prologue. But I guess you won’t hear it until the end anyway. I’m sorry I’ve been bugging you until now. I’m going to change my number so that you won’t need to feel guilty if you don’t reply to me. Thank you for all the moments throughout our time together. I enjoyed all the time we spent together. I don’t regret any of it at all. If I had to give up everything in the world to set for you again, I would. But you deserve to be set by the best of the best. And sadly, I’m not the best of the best for you.”

He choked upon hearing the next sentence. Did Akaashi assume that he won’t listen to his voice note until the end? Well, he would too if he were Akaashi, considering he had never replied to any of his notes at all. His heart broke upon hearing his junior’s words. While Bokuto admits that at times the messages were annoying, but it was the last thing from his high school days that he had- aside from a frame of him and Akaashi on top of the table in his bedroom.

He had broken his promise, and Akaashi had finally given up his part of the promise. Bokuto thought that the pain had finished, but he was proven wrong when the beep sound did not come. 

“I’ll always cheer you on your matches from now on too because-.” The long break kept him on the edge, his heart already feeling uneasy at the next sentence that would come.

“Because I’ll always love you. Even if by now, we’re no better than strangers. Thank you once again, and goodbye, Bokuto-san.”

Akaashi _loves_ him.

————————————————————

Akaashi loves him.

He did not know what he should do with this information.

This was definitely something he didn’t need at the moment.

Maybe his coach was right a few years back.

Bokuto texted Sakusa to call off the celebratory dinner, saying he had an urgent business to attend. Not waiting for his reply, Bokuto searched his contact and attempted to call Akaashi’s number. True to his words, he was blocked by Akaashi. Hands shaking non-stop, he scrolled his phone to find another contact.

The dialing tone beeped for a while before it finally connected to the other line at the end. A hoarse voice could be heard clearly, muttering curses at him.

“Bokuto, my flight takes off 6 hours from now and I would prefer if I can sleep comfortably before having to ride an airplane for more than 10 hours.”

“Kuroo, I need to ask you something.”

“Yeah, long time no see too. How long has it been since you last contacted me? Let’s see, 4 years? Or was it 5?” Kuroo didn’t hide the venomous tone at all, mocking his friend from the start. Bokuto rolled his eyes at the snarky comment. “I was busy, okay? I’m sorry.”

“Kenma is a CEO **_and_** a Youtuber but I just had a full 2-hour debate with him on how he should have bought a house in Roppongi instead in his current area. Friends will always make time to commit to each other no matter how busy they are, Bo.” He could hear another faint voice from the end of the line, with Kuroo’s annoyed tone changing immediately to a sweet-loving tone to talk to the other person. “Sorry, Bo. Kei’s with me to send me off. You see, not all of us are lucky enough that our lover is our own teammate.”

“How did you- Oh.” Bokuto had forgotten that unlike him, Hinata had kept close contact with the members of Karasuno- except for Kageyama. But that story is not his to tell. Of course, Hinata would spill out that he’s dating Sakusa now. Of course.

“Kei has so many gossips nowadays about the whole squad. Do you know Karasuno’s former captain is now in the police force? Their manager got married to the bald one? Kei and I are successfully pulling off our long-distance relationship? Ah, interesting gossip indeed. But enough about us, what’s up?” Kuroo is definitely still annoyed, but talking with Tsukishima had lightened his mood a bit.

“I need to ask… Do you know where Akaashi lives?”

“… Bo. Today's April 20th. This isn’t April Fools, cut the crap.”

“I’m serious, Kuroo. Something happened and I can’t call him.” He didn’t want to reveal the said situation, but then again, Kuroo is smart, he’s probably going to figure it out soon enough.

“It doesn’t make sense you wouldn’t know! Didn’t you say you would message Akaashi every day? Wait, hold up. Bokuto, you did not-“

“I pretty much ghosted almost everyone I knew from high school who aren’t in the Jackals.” He confessed. The silence that came was not pleasant at all. It was also the only thing Bokuto needed to know that he had messed up big time.

“You foul loathsome evil little airhead! Oh my god, why did Akaashi had to fall in love with an idiot out of everyone in that team?” Kuroo’s statement made Bokuto raised his brows, did everyone knew about Akaashi’s crush, or was he too dense back in high school. “Kuroo-“

“I’m not done nagging at you yet. It’s 1 am and you woke me up from my sleep just to ask about the very junior who **_you_** had ghosted along with me???? You didn’t even ask me about my life living outside of Japan!! I- I’m hurt, Bo. At least show some concern for your old friends.” Faint whispers could be heard at the end of the line, Tsukishima probably trying to calm Kuroo down before he throws out any more offensive words. A rustling sound could be heard before another voice replaced Kuroo’s.

“Hello, Bokuto-san. It’s Tsukishima. I told Kuroo to go back to sleep because I can’t bear sending him off with his thoughts messy from the trouble you caused.” The politeness in Tsukishima’s voice reminded him of Akaashi, and it hurt him even more. “Also, can I ask why out of all the people there is in your circle, why did you think it would be wise to call Kuroo? He only comes back to Japan a few times a year, you know. Oh wait, you wouldn’t know that.”

“Cut me some slack already. Listen, Kuroo and Kenma are closest to Akaashi, second to me back in the days, though. Also, I forgot Kuroo is living overseas now. I’m sorry, okay?”

“You can make amends to Kuroo tomorrow once he calms down from his anger. It’s Akaashi that I’m worried about. And no, I don’t know anything about him except that he’s now on his way to becoming a chief editor at a certain shonen magazine. Try asking for Kenma’s number from Hinata. At least Kenma won’t cuss at you for messing up big time. Well then, good night.”

Tsukishima ended the call abruptly before Bokuto could ask any other questions. His thoughts more confuse than before, he threw his phone away as his mind drifted to the one thing that is scaring him right now.

Akaashi loves him. Or what could be as of now, _loved_.

————————————————————

His attempt to get any information from Kenma proved to be a fruitless result as while Kenma doesn’t curse out like Kuroo, the reactions he could hear through the line showed that the young CEO is obviously pissed.

“Akaashi just sent me his new phone number 10 minutes ago. I was wondering why he had a sudden want to change his phone number. Looks like I found the cause of reasoning fast enough.” Hinata only watched from beside him as Kenma too rejected to help him, quoting that it was better if Bokuto disappeared from Akaashi’s life just as Akaashi had disappeared from his.

“I don’t think this is my place to ask, but why only now?” Hinata asked once Bokuto’s call with Kenma ended abruptly just like Kuroo’s call. Best friends do act the same as each other. The older one looked at the young one, contemplating if he should talk about it with someone else. Heck, he didn’t even mention this to Sakusa yet. Bokuto sighed, before deciding to share everything with him.

Hinata only nodded once he had finished pouring everything out. For once, he didn’t receive a disgusted reaction from the other person after confessing to his mistake. Instead, Hinata had only asked him another question that left him speechless.

“I just want to ask you one thing. Did you love him, back then?”

“I- I do love him. But it’s not the same type of love that I have towards Kiyoomi. The love I have for Akaashi is pure and white as snow. If he were to confess back then, **_maybe_** , and I swear perhaps **_maybe_** I would have said yes. Kiyoomi on the other hand, loving him is red. It’s intense and he always brings the best out of me.” Hinata noticed that Bokuto used present tense while admitting his love for Akaashi, but he didn’t point it out.

“Do you really think what Kenma said is right? That he would be better off without me in my life now?” Bokuto could feel the tears slowly pouring down. He was glad that practice was canceled that day, at least he won’t be caught crying about someone from the past in front of the other players.. or worse, Sakusa.

Hinata could only answer the question with a bittersweet smile. “I think you already know the question for this.” He patted his teammates back, giving him the strength he really needed as of now. “And if it helps, I thought about that question a lot when I decided to end everything with Kageyama. And look at the both of us now.”

————————————————————

And Bokuto **_did_** know the answer. He texted Kuroo, Tsukishima, and Kenma to apologize for the troubles and promising that he would make amends for his mistake. Kuroo wished him luck in trying to find out which time zone he’s living in without the help of neither his lover nor his friend.

Well, at least he managed to salvage some old relationships.

He found out where Akaashi is currently working at thanks to Kenma finally opening up to him once again. With a warning from Kenma to not make any direct contact, Bokuto resorted to the next best thing he could think of. An anonymous letter.

_Dear Akaashi,_

_Receiving an anonymous letter might be the last thing any editor would want, but I’m sure that you would continue to read this letter after recognizing this handwriting._

_A normal letter would ask how are you feeling, but I’ve received warnings to not write anything that would make you want to reply to this letter. So, here I go._

_I’m sorry for breaking my promise. Had I known that time would change us for the better, I wouldn't have risk our relationship by making that cursed promise. I’m sorry for making you hang on to the past for too long. I should have given you the closure that you needed. Although I have to say, it really is like you to find your own closure._

_I too, need to thank you for sharing together the memories with me throughout the 2 years we spend together. Despite it being just a short amount of time, I must confess that within a short amount of time, I developed some feelings towards you too. Perhaps if we confess our true feelings on the day I left Fukurodani, maybe we would be on our 9th year of dating? Who knows._

_Once again, I’m sorry because I cannot return your emotions this time. But, just as you had always look after me back in high school, this time I want to return the favor. And if being far from you is the best thing I can do to show my love for you, then I would respect your space and support you from far too._

_I’m sorry. I really am. But I must admit that while you would sacrifice everything to toss to me again, I just wish that you would use that sacrifice to live on a life where you are truly content with yourself. Take care, Akaashi. And goodbye._

_With regards, B._

Bokuto didn’t have the courage to reconnect with his other Fukurodani teammates, out of fear that they would mention Akaashi in their topics if they talked. But he couldn’t deny, there are days when he looked to the sky and somehow, the memories of his old team would be painted on the skies for him to reminisce alone.

He had talked to Sakusa about his previous feelings for Akaashi. Sakusa acknowledged the feeling, saying that in a way he is thankful that Akaashi had shaped Bokuto to become the person he was before joining the Jackals. For that, he was thankful enough that his lover didn’t have any ill feelings towards his beloved junior.

“It’s just a normal young crush, pure and soft. I know that what we have is more special.”

“Yeah, now that you say it like that. It really is.” He smiled as Sakusa pecked his cheeks. It was an innocent love, a bit ironic to experience that type of love in high school, but it was that type of love that nurtured you and protected you from the darks of the world.

And Bokuto was glad that he could have experienced it with Akaashi. 

Akaashi Keiji slowly became a ghost in his life. A ghost that didn’t haunt him, but is living on in the memories of his past. And Bokuto swore to never forget the memories, as they both walked down their respective paths without turning back now.

————————————————————

A year had passed since Akaashi’s last voice note. The spring wind danced gracefully as the temperature started to rise gradually in Tokyo. Bokuto and Sakusa were at Shinjuku, spending their time together at the rare chances of an off-season break. As they stepped down from the platform and walked towards the gates, a certain figure had caught the eyes of the older of the pair. Bokuto was in disbelief.

It’s Akaashi.

He sprinted off, fighting the crowds of people who were walking everywhere as he screamed Akaashi’s name, ignoring the fact that the train station was too packed and noisy for his voice to overcome.

“Akaashi!!! Akaashi!!! I’m sorry for everything!!”

Apparently he caught the attention of the said figure as it turned around. Bokuto’s eyes watered as the said figure’s eyes also widened once he turned towards the source of the voice. The volleyball player smiled happily, the tears running down even faster as he gave a small wave towards the latter. He stopped his steps, remembering his new promise to Akaashi.

The editor’s lips raised upon noticing that Bokuto had stopped walking towards him, Sakusa slowly catching up. He nodded to acknowledge the wave before turning back towards where he originally came from.

Before the new waves of people dashing out of the station stole Akaashi away from him, Bokuto was able to make out the one sentence that Akaashi was trying to say to him. The small smile that was on his face assuring Bokuto just like how it had assured him years before. 

“じゃあね、木兎さん。”

The crowd had slowly died down, as the ghost of his past disappeared away. And Bokuto too was finally at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *じゃあね = could either mean as goodbye, farewell or until next time. it's up to you guys to wonder in which context did akaashi use jyaane :)
> 
> ALSO ALSO if you guys are curious, shinjuku station is super packed..... i swear to myself i would rather walk from shin-okubo to shinjuku if it means not going to transit from there.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are very very appreciated! also come scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/hatsukoidoa) if you want a speedy reply
> 
> edit (2020/05/10) i commissioned [nero](https://twitter.com/neroinkboi/status/1259461652983934976?s=20)to draw the last scene of this rollercoaster of a ride! as i'm typing this my hands are shaking intensely reading the nice feedbacks you guys are commenting,,,, thank you,,,,, my months of writer's block felt like it was worth it......
> 
> also check out nero's [account](https://twitter.com/neroinkboi)! 100/100 for angst and meme content!!! my cup of tea
> 
> edit (2020/05/20) you can read sakusa's side of the story at [here!](https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/24266740) yes i needed to write his version too


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